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Madd Aly

Welcome to the Madd House

Parenting Gone….Wrong? Maybe?

Everyone always says, “There isn’t a Parenting Handbook”, ultimately meaning that there are no wrong or right ways to do things. But man, I wish someone could just give me an instruction manual, crappy gas station directions, something!

Madd Minni came home with her report card today and she had a…not so good grade. Because she’s only in the second grade, she still receives number grades instead of letters. She had mostly 3s (really good) but two 1s (poor) in Math. I don’t fully understand it. She’s extremely smart. And I am not just saying that because she’s my child. I am merely relaying information I have received from teachers. Okay, and I am also a little biased….a lot biased. Regardless, seeing those grades and knowing her potential really aggravated me today.

Immediately following the initial disappointment, I began to explain how I was feeling and took away the birthday party I told her she could attend. I sentenced her to more math homework until she could get her grades up. Then off she went. Banished to her room.

Shortly after checking on her, I sent a text message to Madd Hunny and told him all about what happened. His response was simply, “she’s struggling, it’s not like she isn’t trying”. And of course, me being the hot headed, stubborn woman I am, had to retort with, “so then why didn’t she ask for help?!” Then, per usual, he helped me to calm down and see the bigger picture. To see things rationally.

From the moment I got pregnant, I was on my own more or less. I was a single teen mom trying to do everything I could for my daughter. The same daughter that watched me make it through struggle after struggle on my own. Madd Minni watched me as the independent woman I strive to be for her. Not the reckless teenager I was before she saved me from that lifestyle. Of course, like all other children, Madd Minni learns from what she sees. No wonder she didn’t ask me for help. She was trying to be independent. My stubborn, hardheaded little girl. Or rather, my independent mini me.

They say there are many ways to do this whole parenting thing, but I have no doubt in my mind I could definitely do with some improvements. So I will be tacking this on to my list of things to work on. Wish me luck!

Until next time, don’t forget: our children always see us for the heroes we truly are!

-Madd Aly

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Learning What Was Already Known

We all gain knowledge throughout our life, and often times, we relearn what we’ve already known. Or realize knowledge multiple times throughout life. Today I was retaught just how balanced life has to be; but in the simplest, most beautiful way.

It was a pretty normal day. I took Madd Minni to school, went to work, came home; just like most week days. Some high points though, included finishing my current book and attending the Fall Festival at Madd Minni’s school. I am guilty of indulging in the discount book box at Walmart. The most recent purchase was a book about a blood prophet who had visions of life to come. It was really good and I definitely need to get the next novel in the series. Additionally, I would totally recommend it to everyone. In fact, I already have; to a coworker who I have had recent discussions with regarding the starting up of a book club. But that’s neither here nor there. IMG_4286

As for the other highlight of the day: the Fall Festival. Madd Minni’s school hosted an event today in celebration of the season. It was equipped with games and food. Rather good food in fact. She had a blast! And I did as well, even though the entire experience was exhausting. Which brings me back to my point of balance.

IMG_4285As we were in the car waiting for it to heat up so we could get going I noticed the beautiful crystals that had formed on my windows. Not just noticed, but really appreciated it. As I sat in the car, chilled right down to the bone, I relearned that to truly appreciate the amazing moments in life, you must also suffer some negatives. Take my ice crystals for example, if it had been warm or had the car already been warmed, we never would have been able to witness the beauty the cold brings with it. Because of this, I began reflecting on all of the balances of life.

As you may already know, from reading my previous blogs, I am working toward gaining 30lbs. Again, I want to do this as healthy a way as possible. This will include eating correctly, but that comes with sacrifices. The sacrifice of my addiction to coffee. The sacrifice of my love of junk food. All of these seemingly negative compromises to achieve a healthy person that I aim to be. In addition, I want to start exercising, beginning this Monday with Zumba. But even that comes with it’s own set of balance. Anyone who works out knows that sore and achy muscles have to be endured in order to achieve the stamina, tone, weight, etc. that they want to achieve.

But like I said before, life is all about balance. Take relationships, any relationship; familial, platonic, romantic, etc. As individuals, when involved with anyone in any way, there will be disagreements. These disagreements can lead to huge arguments. And the best relationships, the ones that truly matter, come with the greatest pain; but we endure because of how much the person and what we have with them means to us and brings to us in all ways: emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc.

Or even life in general. We all experience ups and downs in every aspect of our life. High student loans to receive the education we want. Low income to climb the ladder for the career we want. Exhausting days at a Fall Festival to give a child happiness and excitement. Stuck with a cliffhanger all because we couldn’t put down a great read. Thus balance presents itself over and over and over again.

So let me leave you with this: because life is all about balance, don’t over stress about low times because high times will follow; and don’t take the ups for granted because there will always be downs in some form or another.

Until next time, we wish you all the best from the Madd House.

-Madd Aly

2 down! So Much More to Go

Happy Winter from the Madd House. Okay, so maybe it’s not quite winter yet, but it sure did feel like it today. The sun didn’t even peek out from behind the clouds until about 3:00PM. I borrowed Madd Minni’s second hat & glove set so I could make it to work today without freezing! When we got to the car to head to her school, there were frozen drops all over the car. It was definitely a reality check for what we will have to experience in the coming months. We should have stayed in the desert. Then again, we wouldn’t be able to experience the beauty we were able to witness later in the day.

An another note, today marks day 2 of the new diet and lifestyle changes I am trying to make. This means I had no coffee again today. I did up the amount of Naked Boosted Smoothies I drank today from 1 to 2. I don’t think it would have made a difference because I wasn’t sluggish today. I think I know the real reason for this though. When I got to work I was informed that we would be short-staffed for the day and I would be the only one working in my department. In addition to this, I also needed to assist other departments. Needless to say, I was nonstop going the entire time I was on the clock. Got in plenty of steps though.

Speaking of burning calories, I have decided to wait to start working out until Monday. That will be day 1 for exercise. The White Rabbit & I will be going to Zumba! I am so excited! Zumba is something I always thought looked enjoyable; now I guess I will be able to find out for myself. I will be sure to let you know how it goes. I’m sure I will develop a love/hate relationship with it when the sore muscles start to settle in.

If you have any suggestions or techniques I might be able to try, let me know.

Until next time, “winter is coming”, so stay as warm as possible.

-Madd Aly

Day 1: It Starts!

Greetings from the Madd House. Today marks the beginning of a new chapter in our lives, well, my life anyway. It also marks the beginning of my attempt to gain weight. I know, weird right? Well I have weighed 98lbs for over a decade now and regardless of how much I eat, I stay the same weight. After a short talk with the Madd Hubby, I have decided to do what I can to try to gain 30lbs. I’m skeptical of this new goal, but he seems to be pretty confident in me which is providing me with motivation.

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Now before you start throwing around suggestions like, “eat a lot of fast food”, “scarf down this”, “scarf down that”; I don’t want to be unhealthy at the end of this road ahead.  There are certain things I would like to cut back on and some things I would like to add to my diet. There are new routines I would like to add to my schedule to make sure that when I gain this weight, I’m doing so “responsibly”. Part of this includes cutting back on coffee, my best friend for a while now. I was so sluggish today that I looked for something that would help give me a boost. I found a Naked Green Machine boosted smoothie. It helped for all of two minutes. It was surprisingly delicious though. So I guess that’s a plus.

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As part of my strategy to put some meat on my bones I downloaded the LifeSum app so I can help keep track of what I am eating exactly. It also comes equipped with reminders to let me know when I haven’t entered in my meals or drinks for the day. I felt this would be a helpful tool to assist me when my motivation starts lacking. This app also allows me to track my workouts. Even though I skipped a work out today, I felt this would be an even bigger bonus. Unfortunately I have a hard time maintaining the desire to work out. So I have begun recruiting workout buddies. I have two coworkers willing to join me as well as my sister and one of our mutual friends. I did this in case someone decided to bail on me, I would still have people by my side. Hopefully I can stick with this.

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Another goal I am beginning to pursue is going back to school. I am now in the fourth week of my second class and I have all A’s so far! Hahah. Today I had to attend a live chat lecture session which is the virtual way of attending class. There were several technical difficulties but you know, it happens. It made the class shorter. I am very excited for all of this though. This will be my third time returning to school and I have yet to get a degree. However, I am approaching all of my goal setting differently these days so I have high hopes that the cliche rings true, “third time’s the charm”.

Wish me luck! Until next time, good luck to you too, with whatever you are seeking to accomplish in your life!

-Madd Aly

The Madd House

I always get in the mood to write to you guys & after a while I lose all motivation. There are a lot of things in my life currently picking up momentum fast. And I would like to let you in and bring you along on the journey. 

Usually, I am very hesitant to post because I’ve always been a private person. However, maybe if I share with you, it will provide some additional motivation. 

The following are some of our chaos:

  • School activities with Madd Minni
  • Work
  • Online school for me
  • Working out (Madd Hunny has convinced me to try and gain 30lbs)
  • Among other things (yet to be disclosed)

So welcome to the Madd House. I hope you enjoy the ride!

My Biggest, Never-Ending Battle

So, I know that I posted about this book challenge that I had accepted. Unfortunately, some things with me personally prevented me from carrying that out. I do want to start it up, but I would also like to explain why I may not always be able to post when I want to.

I have only admitted this to less than a handful of people, but I have been struggling with depression for a very long time. There are days when getting out of bed is the most exhausting task I have to face. I have attempted suicide on multiple occasions and stopped myself at the very last second because I think of all of the people I will be leaving behind; family, friends, and strangers alike. The final thoughts going through my mind in those final moments before officially changing my mind are thoughts of what everyone will have to go through without my help.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, an advice-giver, a tear-sharer; and it’s in peoples’ deepest and darkest emotions that I end up losing myself. I feel so deeply, not for these people, but with these people. Their emotions become my emotions. Their burdens, struggles, and stress become mine too. I lose the part of me that knows who I am and how I feel. I lose what are my problems. I lose what emotions and struggles and burdens actually belong to me, because at the end of it all, they all become mine as well.

It is then, when I am so lost in the cruelty of the world that others have been exposed to, that I begin to feel like I cannot take it any longer. It is then that I no longer want to feel anything. I have tried to explain to my few confidants how it feels when I am numb, but I don’t think anyone understands because I still have all of these feelings. Yet, nobody truly gets that these feelings are not all mine. They’re everyone else’s. And mine are just gone. Maybe they have drained from my soul. Or maybe they have buried themselves deep beneath the chaos of all of the strange emotions swirling within me.

There are days when the weight of it all gets so heavy that I have to barricade myself away from the world. I can’t talk to anyone or be around anyone because I have to figure out how to sift through myself to find me again. And sometimes, the worst part about shutting myself out, is knowing I am the only one that can help me through it. I can’t rely on anyone else because 1) they don’t understand and 2) I can’t shut off their emotions. Their emotions continue to seep into my soul and it makes it that much harder to find me again. It is often at this point when I find that my feelings are laced with a strong desire to just end it all.

The problem is, because I feel so deeply with all of these people, I can’t imagine letting them feel so much all by themselves. What happens if I am no longer here? How much does my feeling of their pain help them relieve that pain? How much do I hold so that they don’t have to? Where would they be if I were gone?

Don’t get me wrong; I am not trying to glorify myself by any means. Truthfully, I am more so scared of letting people feel everything that I feel and how intensely I feel it.

Being able to write it (or type it rather) and get it all out is the most beneficial thing for me. It helps me find what it is that I, me, am feeling for myself. I let my fingers fly and shut off everything else. Afterward, I have to read what I wrote to help me understand what is going on with me. And when it is all said and done, it encourages and discourages me simultaneously. I shouldn’t have to do this to know who I am. But doing this helps others figure out all of the burdens in their life. And being this person, is that not my responsibility and duty as a human being? It feels like it. It feels like this is the reason the universe has kept me here. And while I can’t turn my back on this responsibility, sometimes I do need a break from it.

So I will never stop writing to you completely, but sometimes, I just can’t. I hope you understand and I can’t wait until next time.

-Madd Aly

Book Challenge

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So I have moved out of state. It was time for a change, and a big one! So I left Las Vegas and took my happy self (or unhappy self) to Colorado. Everything is getting back on track. Finally! I’ve got a new job, new apartment and I’m this close to getting a new car. It’s crazy just how lovely everything is going for me right now. It’s going so well that it dawned on me: why stop there? It’s time to get back to doing the things I love to do; like reading.

During my move, a lot of things got thrown out. Included in all of the items that had to become one with the dumpster were most of my books. All but the two new books that I had recently purchased have parted with me. Or I parted with them. It’s all about perspective I guess. Anyway, now that I’m in a good place, it’s time to get my collection back in a good place too. Unfortunately, I had no idea where to start. Most of the books in my little library were purchased based on suggestions and I didn’t want to start blowing people up just to find some new pages to love. So I turned to Google. What I found was a new book challenge. So thanks to PopSugar.com, and even though I’m starting a little late, I found something that seems like it’ll be fun. That being said, it’s also something I want to share with all of you.

I am not going to share the entire list in one post because it is an extensive list and comes with an “advanced” option just in case the original list is completed early. Let’s hope I can make it despite the late start I’m getting. However, the PopSugar 2017 Book Challenge can be found here. I encourage all of you to participate and share your books with me. Let’s all have some fun with this. My goal is to be able to complete at least one book a week. Let’s see if I can do. Keep your fingers crossed for me everyone! So let the good times roll! If you see a category on the list and have a book suggestion for me, please feel free to share!

Love you all!

Until next week!

Also, my Madd Minni and I will be starting an adventure blog on Innocent Eyes every Sunday, so keep a look out for that!

–Madd Aly

Starting Fresh

Well I boycotted New Years resolutions this year, but that definitely didn’t put a halt on bettering myself. I’m preparing myself for bigger and better things by breaking down everything and starting with a fresh, new, more improved foundation. 

I left my job, my home, my friends, everything. Well everything except my daughter of course. Had to bring her with me hahah. But aside from her, I’ve got the one person I’ve realized I can truly count on no matter what, and myself. 

I’ve moved to a completely different state and I’m starting all over. I have a vision for myself and I refuse to let anything hold me back. I’m too old to be worried about people that can’t match my ambition, my drive, my force of nature. If you can’t keep up, I can’t hold on. I’ve spent way too long being way too loyal to the way wrong people. Scared of letting them down. Afraid of making them feel the way I’ve felt my entire life….abandoned for no reason. 

Now, I’ve realized that the ones who left weren’t worthy of having me in their lives in the first place. And the people that are worthy, I’ll always be here for them. The ones holding me back, I’ll always care for them, but I have to start worrying more about me and my life rather than pushing everyone around me to do better and be better and supporting them while my life and goals and dreams fall to the wayside. 

It’s finally time for me to start putting myself and my family first. Rather than my daughter first and the world second and myself at the end. Soon my life will come to an end and I’ll have accomplished nothing. So now, almost 3 decades later, it’s my turn. My time to shine. And it’s going to be brighter than anyone’s ever seen.

Boycotting New Year’s Resolutions

How many of us really stick to our New Year’s Resolutions each year?

What is the point of a New Year’s resolution? “New year, new me”? To better ourselves for the coming year? Isn’t that what we do throughout the year when we set goals and actually achieve them? Yet somehow, more often times than not, our resolutions don’t even last long enough to see the month of February. But what makes them so different from any other goal we strive for? I think it’s one of two reasons: for some it may be too much pressure and for others the entertainment that surrounds them is nothing more than just a silly game to play with friends.

For those who see it as too much pressure, I can totally relate in a sense. The goals we set for ourselves throughout the year are simply things we want to achieve, whether it is to better ourselves or to get somewhere we want or maybe even need to go. They’re just things we want accomplished and decisions we make on our own. But we collectively come together with our friends and family to announce what the coming year’s resolution will be, proclaiming how this one will be different from all the rest and this time will be carried out. A New Year’s resolution seems to be held in the same esteem as a high school senior’s choice of college or his or her major.

For others who see it as a silly game, it’s great! For the past couple of years I looked at it this way to escape the pressures I used to feel. Choosing something completely ridiculous like giving up going to the gym (something I don’t do as is) ensures I “win” because it’s a resolution I definitely won’t break. Some of us get together with a few buddies and give up something we love the most, just to see who will break first. After all, why put too much into a New Year’s resolution when the only thing we really gain from a new year is an excuse to party and maybe even a day off from work to recuperate from said party.

There may be more reason why New Year’s resolutions wither away, but no matter the cause, why do we make these resolutions at all? Why is there so much hype behind it? Honestly, why do we need the coming of a new year to start making the changes we want to see in ourselves? Sure, December is a good time to reflect on the past year and take a stand to do things differently if we feel the need to do so, but why can’t we constantly do this throughout the year? Why is New Year’s Eve the best time to figure out ourselves, our situations, and/or our circumstances? I say we ditch the resolutions and just work to be the people we want to be all the time, not just once a year.

I say we simply go into 2017 wiser from the struggles we’ve overcome, proud of our successes and ready to conquer whatever comes next! 

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